First I am not a mother and the more people in my life like to tell me to have children does not mean that I will or that my body will even let me have children.
With that being said yesterday (Mother's Day) was a really hard day for me. I am not a mom though I would love to be one. I know that my body will someday have children but for now it is unwilling. Not only that but, my husband and I arn't really trying its more like we are letting God do as he wants. We have been this way for only 6 months. In that 6 months I found out that PCOS and am now on meds. to fix that. This makes having children harder. I am not on the meds to have children I am on the meds so that when I am older other problems do not arrive.
Now yesterday everywhere I went people wanted me to have children so that I could celebrate mother's day as well. Not only that but the church honored me as well as the moms because they wanted it to be a hint. I did not feel honored I felt like a fake like someone who is really just a waste of space in a female body. All I really wanted to do was craw into a hole and cry. I know that I am me and God has a path for me and a reason why I have PCOS but I cannot change that. I can only learn from it and share my story. I know that the church was just kidding and being nice I mean after all I really haven't gone into detail of whats going on with everyone in the church. But, all it really did was make me want to scream "Do you people know that I may not have children for a long time." I am holding on to the promise that God gave of a son. I know that he gives you the desires of you heart and all that but he also gave me vision of my son. I do not know when I will be able to have children. But I know that I will have one. A little boy with my husbands hair and my mothers eyes. God let me see him in a dream before all this started with my body.
I have to tell all of you well meaning people out there...If a couple you know has been married for a while and does not have children don't push them. Don't hint at them and don't make them feel as if they are less in your family or group of friends because they do not have children. It may not be by there choice. They may be holding on to God and the faith they have in him to provide. I know that you never really know what is going on behind a closed door. You may find that there is more to there story.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
What God Showed Me
The other day I was sitting in the park reading and praying. I went to Romans 6:21 -
21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life inb Christ Jesus our Lord.
This really really spoke to me. See it is the Easter Season, or it was before when I was reading this and people always look back over the the Passion of Christ. I prefer to look at his life and how he is still a living God. Back to Romans.
What benefit did you reap at the time from this things you are now ashamed of?
How many times did we say or do something that felt so good at the time but about 10 min. later you were wishing that you hadn't do it. I know that I have. I know that I have said something because I was so mad or wish that another person would hurt the way that I have. Or maybe if I look to them and all there problems I will not have time to look at myself. But I always regret it. I have done so many things that were a lot of fun and great until afterwards and I knew they were wrong but in the back of my mind I was all ready wishing that I was not doing it. All they did in the end was cause me pain and for what? What was it all for?
Romans states that we are set free from sin and have become slaves to God. What does that mean? I felt that God was telling me in that moment that I am his. Why am I not looking to holiness, why am I not trying in everything that I do to be more like him? If I am his slave and the wage of sin is death why am I not trying to stay alive? I know that it is not talking physical death but the death of my soul.
Which is worse to feel nothing when you see a wonderful sight like a sunset painted only by God or the fist flower after a long cold winter. When you feel the warmth of the sun on your skin or not feeling all this. It has to be worse than being in the grave. Why then do I forget that as a Christian I belong to God. I am his not a slave but a child in his hands. I have been set free of sin and now look to God for holiness.
The Bible says "we all fall short" I know that I do. I am not perfect. I would like to be I would like to never hurt a friend or say and do things that I know I will regret. I would like to look back at my life and have very few regrets. But I fall short. Only God grace will get me through.
I am in a place in my life that I really could not do without him. I don't know that I would be able to go on if I didn't know that God Loved Me. I know to some of you that sounds crazy but to me it is a life line. I must have him. At night he holds me close. I can share my deepest secrets with him and my saddest regret.
21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life inb Christ Jesus our Lord.
This really really spoke to me. See it is the Easter Season, or it was before when I was reading this and people always look back over the the Passion of Christ. I prefer to look at his life and how he is still a living God. Back to Romans.
What benefit did you reap at the time from this things you are now ashamed of?
How many times did we say or do something that felt so good at the time but about 10 min. later you were wishing that you hadn't do it. I know that I have. I know that I have said something because I was so mad or wish that another person would hurt the way that I have. Or maybe if I look to them and all there problems I will not have time to look at myself. But I always regret it. I have done so many things that were a lot of fun and great until afterwards and I knew they were wrong but in the back of my mind I was all ready wishing that I was not doing it. All they did in the end was cause me pain and for what? What was it all for?
Romans states that we are set free from sin and have become slaves to God. What does that mean? I felt that God was telling me in that moment that I am his. Why am I not looking to holiness, why am I not trying in everything that I do to be more like him? If I am his slave and the wage of sin is death why am I not trying to stay alive? I know that it is not talking physical death but the death of my soul.
Which is worse to feel nothing when you see a wonderful sight like a sunset painted only by God or the fist flower after a long cold winter. When you feel the warmth of the sun on your skin or not feeling all this. It has to be worse than being in the grave. Why then do I forget that as a Christian I belong to God. I am his not a slave but a child in his hands. I have been set free of sin and now look to God for holiness.
The Bible says "we all fall short" I know that I do. I am not perfect. I would like to be I would like to never hurt a friend or say and do things that I know I will regret. I would like to look back at my life and have very few regrets. But I fall short. Only God grace will get me through.
I am in a place in my life that I really could not do without him. I don't know that I would be able to go on if I didn't know that God Loved Me. I know to some of you that sounds crazy but to me it is a life line. I must have him. At night he holds me close. I can share my deepest secrets with him and my saddest regret.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Test Results
My test came out good. I found out that my cervix wall is to thick and that I do not ovulate on a normal cycle. Also they said that I could be days pregnant. That could be one reason as to why my cervix wall was so thick. I really haven't been letting myself think about this too much. I only told my husband that the Dr. said that could be the the reason for the wall to be thick. I really don't want to get my hopes up and then have them crash down on me.
I think that more than likley my wall is thick because my clock is off and all that good stuff.
I am very thankful that God took care of me and sent me to the Dr. when I needed to go even if I didn't want too. They told me that if I don't have a kid or bleed as I should then it could cause some lasting problems and if not addressed lead to cancer. God is so good. He sent me when it was nothing to be worried about and an easy fix. Thanks to all of you who sent up a quick prayer. It really did help.
I think that more than likley my wall is thick because my clock is off and all that good stuff.
I am very thankful that God took care of me and sent me to the Dr. when I needed to go even if I didn't want too. They told me that if I don't have a kid or bleed as I should then it could cause some lasting problems and if not addressed lead to cancer. God is so good. He sent me when it was nothing to be worried about and an easy fix. Thanks to all of you who sent up a quick prayer. It really did help.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I haven't been on here much. I know that I set this blog up so that I had an outlet to talk about the things that I felt couldn't talk about with my friend and family. I hate that I feel that I have to be strong for all of them. I don't know where this came from or why I feel this way. I don't really know why I will tell the whole world what is happening and yet people that I know love me I have a really hard time talking about it.
There have been some crazy things going on with me.
First, I have been having some medical test done. I don't know if anything is wrong or if I'm just making a lot of small things into something big. I have been having a lot of weird symptoms for about 5 months. I googled them, by the way never do that. I really doesn't matter because google is not a doctor but it gave me the worst of the worst. In other words google said I could die. I am being very over dramatic but it wasn't a comfort. Then I called and asked for some family history. That was bad. My family really should have taken better care of them selfs. So I have vowed to start taking better care of myself.
Last week I was really really scared about all of it. I talked to my husband and we spent a lot of time in prayer. I know that God is there for me. He gave me a peace about it all. If there is something really wrong then I will still praise him. If all is well, I will praise him. God has giving me so much in my life that I really am leaning on him though all of this. I'm not going to worry or stress about all of it.
I went to the doctor last week and she said that it was more than likely nothing to worry about but she is going to run more tests. So later this week more tests YES I LOVE TESTS. I will let you all know how everything goes.
There have been some crazy things going on with me.
First, I have been having some medical test done. I don't know if anything is wrong or if I'm just making a lot of small things into something big. I have been having a lot of weird symptoms for about 5 months. I googled them, by the way never do that. I really doesn't matter because google is not a doctor but it gave me the worst of the worst. In other words google said I could die. I am being very over dramatic but it wasn't a comfort. Then I called and asked for some family history. That was bad. My family really should have taken better care of them selfs. So I have vowed to start taking better care of myself.
Last week I was really really scared about all of it. I talked to my husband and we spent a lot of time in prayer. I know that God is there for me. He gave me a peace about it all. If there is something really wrong then I will still praise him. If all is well, I will praise him. God has giving me so much in my life that I really am leaning on him though all of this. I'm not going to worry or stress about all of it.
I went to the doctor last week and she said that it was more than likely nothing to worry about but she is going to run more tests. So later this week more tests YES I LOVE TESTS. I will let you all know how everything goes.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Bad Day
I got up this morning to go work out. All was fine except that I went snow skiing for the first time in many many years and I hurt. Not as bad as I thought that I would but I still hurt. Well I get up way to early in the morning to get back on the work out track. I get in my husbands truck and it starts up just fine for me then I come back get ready for work and it just won't start. I was really upset. I need to get to work. I need to well have a way to get around. So I called someone to take me to work and got there not to late.
I go at lunch to try to get it to start and it still won't so I start doing all the things that you are suppost to do to make it work. You know check the battery check the gas all that stuff then I call my husband who said to me "If you did all that its really unnecessary to call me." I don't know what made him mad but I just wanted to let him know. It is his truck. If I didn't call he would be all mad and gripe because I didn't call him.
Do you ever feel like you can not win. It really does not matter what I do sometimes I just feel like I can not win. I love him and nothing will change that but sometimes I just wish that he would tell me that all will be ok. I do not really need you to fix it. I just need to know that he cares you know?
I go at lunch to try to get it to start and it still won't so I start doing all the things that you are suppost to do to make it work. You know check the battery check the gas all that stuff then I call my husband who said to me "If you did all that its really unnecessary to call me." I don't know what made him mad but I just wanted to let him know. It is his truck. If I didn't call he would be all mad and gripe because I didn't call him.
Do you ever feel like you can not win. It really does not matter what I do sometimes I just feel like I can not win. I love him and nothing will change that but sometimes I just wish that he would tell me that all will be ok. I do not really need you to fix it. I just need to know that he cares you know?
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
My heart longs for that.
I found out that my cousin is pregnant, that means that I am the only girl left in the family that is still not a mom. This really bothers the family because I have been married the longest. I am supper happy for my cousin and a little sad that its not me. See, I really would love to be a mom but we are not ready yet. Well, I think its more my husband isn't ready yet. And as we are one WE are not ready yet. I don't want to push to make him want children that is really something you can not come back from. Once you have children that it you can never give them back.
I say all of this but my heart wants to feel a child growing inside me. I want to wipe away the tears and read bedtime stories. I want to hear a child call me Momma. My heart longs for that.
Someday I will. I hold close to that. I just hope that by the time we get ready my body will not be to old to have children. I know there are others out there who are trying and they have not been able to have children. I know that the hurt that they have must be really hard. I do not know why God made women to want children so bad. I wish that some part of me did not long for that. I have children to play with and for now that is just fine by me.
I say all of this but my heart wants to feel a child growing inside me. I want to wipe away the tears and read bedtime stories. I want to hear a child call me Momma. My heart longs for that.
Someday I will. I hold close to that. I just hope that by the time we get ready my body will not be to old to have children. I know there are others out there who are trying and they have not been able to have children. I know that the hurt that they have must be really hard. I do not know why God made women to want children so bad. I wish that some part of me did not long for that. I have children to play with and for now that is just fine by me.
Monday, February 22, 2010
WITH ALL MASKS REMOVED
I have created this blog to share some of the things that happen in my life and my true feelings for them. I have chosen to keep my name out of this blog so that I am able to be honest about my life and all things in it. WITH ALL MASKS REMOVED.
I have been married for a few years now. (More than 5 less than 20). I have no children but someday hope and pray that God blesses me with some. I come from a family were there was me and my brother and much later in my life a sister. My family and I are close but as an adult I have found that what I though was a close family isn't always the case. We (my family and I) really don't keep secrets or have a lot of hidden things in the closet.
I married a wonderful Godly mad who I love with all my heart. There are times that he makes me crazy but I would not change him for all the world. He is my other half. I need him to make my life whole. We were high school sweethearts and have a very happy life together. (It is not perfect but wonderful.)
Most of my really good friends also happen to be family. My husbands family has many people my age in it so we are really close. Thats also sometimes a huge challenge. I have no friends that I can talk to about all the things that really matter to me. There are no secrets in the family so if one knows they all know. I'm sure that many people have families like that. That is the main reason for this blog I need to talk and tell my story. I need to be honest and say how I feel without looking over my shoulder to see if my words are hurting someone.
So all masks off. This is my side and my feelings. I am not here to spend my time complaining about family or anything like that I just want to tell my story without holding back or trying to be diplomatic or strong.
I have been married for a few years now. (More than 5 less than 20). I have no children but someday hope and pray that God blesses me with some. I come from a family were there was me and my brother and much later in my life a sister. My family and I are close but as an adult I have found that what I though was a close family isn't always the case. We (my family and I) really don't keep secrets or have a lot of hidden things in the closet.
I married a wonderful Godly mad who I love with all my heart. There are times that he makes me crazy but I would not change him for all the world. He is my other half. I need him to make my life whole. We were high school sweethearts and have a very happy life together. (It is not perfect but wonderful.)
Most of my really good friends also happen to be family. My husbands family has many people my age in it so we are really close. Thats also sometimes a huge challenge. I have no friends that I can talk to about all the things that really matter to me. There are no secrets in the family so if one knows they all know. I'm sure that many people have families like that. That is the main reason for this blog I need to talk and tell my story. I need to be honest and say how I feel without looking over my shoulder to see if my words are hurting someone.
So all masks off. This is my side and my feelings. I am not here to spend my time complaining about family or anything like that I just want to tell my story without holding back or trying to be diplomatic or strong.
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